The other day I found myself in front of a bejeweled pearly gate. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ said a saintly man who introduced himself as Peter. Even before I could say anything two Apsaras picked me up and we were airborne. Within minutes I was gently placed inside an enormous magnificently embellished hall. This quintessential abode was literally out-of-this-world. Besides being filled with fabulous aroma, the interior gently reverberated to most soothing and melodious music.
Several angels, cupids and exotic birds floated around in the enormous space. At the far end of this edifice with an incredibly high ceiling, there was an elevated stage. There sat God, on an ornate throne behind an equally ornate table, and He was busy in front of a massive 3D screen. Seated next to him were the three goddesses of mirth: Euphrosyne, Lalitha and Uzume, all smiling transcendentally.
Without diverting His attention from the screen, He welcomed me by name, and in an amused voice said, ‘You seem confused my son.’ I was indeed most incredulously flummoxed. ‘O God,’ I stuttered, and stammered, ‘I have been a long-standing atheist. While on earth I didn’t believe heaven or hell existed. How come I am here in seventh heaven?’ God chuckled, which was like sheer music to the ears, and said, ‘Well, you played golf and committed no major misdemeanors. Golfers get a lot of bonus points, and that has pushed up your overall grade to qualify for a place in heaven.’ Just as I mumbled disbelievingly: ‘Thank God, I played…’ ‘You are welcome,’ He replied.
‘Come on let’s go for your welcome round of golf with me,’ said the Lord as he levitated. I was picked up again by the Apsaras and we were ‘presto’ on the tee box of the first hole at Coorg Golf Links. ‘It’s the tradition here to play the welcome round at the golfer’s home club. On other days you can play at any golf course of your choice. As my guest it’s your honour.’
I was terribly nervous to say the least. I teed off and mercifully landed on the fairway. ‘Umm, impressed,’ He said as He readied for His tee shot. The ball soared high, and I lost sight of it. I thought to myself that God had either gone out-of-bounds or landed in the far pond. Apsaras flew me to where my ball lay. God watched me hit my second shot. I played it safe. My third shot landed in the bunker. I was intrigued to see God just watching me. As I putted a double bogey there was another ball in the hole. God had sunk a hole-in-one! ‘Oh my God,’ I exclaimed. God chuckled and moved to the second tee box.
Again, His tee shot went high up in the air and landed on the green. My tee shot was just behind the bunker. I ended with a bogey. You guessed it right; God had sunk another hole-in-one.
It then dawned on me. ‘Mr God…, (I bit my tongue) I am sorry, I am sorry, God Almighty, You are perfect, You are omnipotent, You are omniscient, and You hit a hole-in-one on every hole. Am I right?’ God just chuckled most endearingly.
I got terribly curious. I asked God ‘That means you need just one club. Is it a wood, is it an iron?’
‘I use a gold,’ He said and showed me the magnificent shining yellow metal club encrusted with precious stones and gems.
It was a pleasure to watchGod’s tee shot literally navigate,especially the dogleg on the third, fifth and sixth holes. By the time we finished 18 holes I had scored my century as against God’s 18.
Inquisitive, I asked the Almighty how may strokes would he give the top golfers on planet earth? He chuckled and said, ‘I will give two strokes on each hole. That is 36 strokes.’
I did some quick mental maths. Even Tiger Woods in his best form would have to score 54(that is an average birdie on each hole), to square with God.
‘Join me and other golfers for a banquet this evening. Henceforth you play golf every day and join the party in the evening.’
‘Wow,’ I heard myself exclaim. ‘This is Valhalla for golfers.’
It was at this juncture that I heard the shrill ring of the alarm on my mobile. I woke up and realized it was time for me to get ready for Sunday golf at Coorg Golf Links!
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(This is an updated version of one of the stories in my book ‘Tongue of the Slip…’
published in 2013.)
By: C P Belliappa
