With all the educational qualifications resulting in academic degrees that I have earned, people often ask me “why didn’t you settle outside Kodagu and not choose a city where your future would have been brighter and opportunities far greater“? My answer has always been simple – my future was never defined by a city. It was always inextricably linked to the land and culture that raised me.
I hold a Master’s in English Literature. I have had a privilege of teaching hundreds of young men and women in college, and today I write as a journalist, all while choosing to lead a quiet and fulfilling life in rural surroundings in Kodagu. It is a decision that I have never regretted.
Every morning I wake up to the breath-taking sight of a majestic hill standing proudly in front of my house. Before the world awakens, nature greets me with its own birdsong. Peacocks announce the arrival of dawn. It is not unusual to hear that elephants have crossed nearby, a tiger has wandered through or wild boars have entered the fields. Yet I am not afraid. This is the life I chose with respect for nature, understanding the rhythm of relatively “slow” everyday lives…living with the flow.
Around me are coffee plantations with pepper vine entwined trees that have sustained generations, emerald-green paddy fields, arecanut gardens, patches of home kitchen gardens, grazing buffaloes, sparkling streams and fresh mountain air. This is the weather I wake up to every single day. Every season arrives with its own bounty. The forests bless us with wild mushroom, tender bamboo shoots, forest honey and an abundance of fruits from the countryside.
And yet amidst all this beauty, one question continues to haunt rural existence?
Across Kodagu, many educated, hardworking and responsible Kodava boys are finding it incredibly difficult to find brides simply because they have chosen to remain on their ancestral land. They work in coffee estates, cultivate paddy, manage agriculture and carry forward a legacy built over generations. The moment they are introduced as farmers, many marriage proposals quietly come to an end.
This is not about blaming women. Every woman has the right to choose the life she wants. But as a society, we must ask ourselves a difficult question – when did farming become a reason for rejection?
The Kodava way of life has never been one of luxury. It has always been a life of balance and comfort. We work hard, respect nature, honour our traditions and live with dignity. Kodava families have never been afraid of hard work. They rise at dawn, toil in the fields, care for their coffee estates and paddy lands, protect their forests, rivers and take immense pride in their homes with the quiet satisfaction that comes from honest labour, integrity and in Kodavaame.
If this very life is no longer considered worthy of marriage, what does it say about us as a society?
There was a time when our AineManes were full of life. The elderly matriarch of the house was its heart and soul and not to underestimate a strict disciplinarian. They held families together, preserved traditions, guided the younger generation and welcomed daughters-in-law into homes, where values mattered more than wealth. To quote neuropsychiatrist Dr Louann Brizendine – “the female brain has tremendous unique aptitudes – outstanding verbal agility, the ability to connect deeply in friendship, a near psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotional nuances, and a fierce ability to defuse conflict.” The matriarch and the women of the Okka had a quiet presence that brought equanimity to every festival, ritual, and family gathering that took place in the AinMane.
Unfortunately, many of the AinManes stand quieter not because the walls have weakened, but because the people are slowly moving out.
If our daughters no longer wish to become part of rural Kodagu who will inherit these ancestral homes? We proudly celebrate Kodagu’s coffee across the world. Tourists admire our hills, rivers, greenery and culture. Yet the very people who protect this landscape are increasingly seen as unsuitable life partners. What an irony.
The answer is not to question women’s choices. The answer is to restore dignity to farming and make rural life economically secure and socially respected once again. A farmer is someone who chose to stay when everyone else chose to leave. Modern work environments offer many opportunities – especially post Covid, Work-from-Home is increasingly encouraged.
As someone who willingly chose birdsong over traffic, hills over high rises, rivers over flyovers and village life over materialistic urban comforts I can say with conviction that I have found a richness that no city can ever offer. I once overhead an elderly senior Army Officer state at a community get together – Kodava boys make good husbands but not necessarily exciting boyfriends! I would like to add that men and women are not from different planets, we just operate using different neurological roadmaps. True emotional intelligence begins the moment you stop judging the differences and start respecting the biological reality. Understanding the female brain is an excellent shortcut to deeper trust, fewer arguments and much better empathy.
The sadness of rural Kodagu is not merely that Kodava boys are unable to find brides. The deeper sadness is that we are slowly losing faith in our own way of life.
A community does not disappear overnight. It slowly fades into twilight when its young people no longer believe in the life their ancestors built. That is the sadness of rural Kodagu. It is not merely about unmarried farmers, it is about generations slowly walking away from its roots, while the hills, rivers, coffee estates and AineManes wait silently for someone to call them home.
Join our WhatsApp Group for News and Article Alerts
Reading Ms Mamatha Subbaiah’s article it seems that the age old custom of Kodava weddings being the most effective matrimonial platform is not happening. Is it because the Kodava wedding has now moved from being a close knit family affair to the concept of a Big Fat Wedding?
So logically, the community must have a Matrimonial website. There are a few already – but are they effective?
Unfortunately, Kodava matrimonial websites have not worked due to misuse and lack of propriety. For a small, closeknit community like ours, a website that guarantees user privacy should be a top priority. In the past, there have been instances where the profiles, photographs, and personal details (Workplace, etc) of prospective brides and grooms were circulated publicly on Facebook and WhatsApp. Such breaches of privacy serve no useful purpose and can cause unnecessary discomfort. While today’s marriageable age men and women are well educated and capable of communicating with one another through a secure platform to make informed choices, it is the responsibility of the website owners to ensure that user’s personal information remains protected. Their data should never be shared with unauthorized individuals or made publicly accessible.
You are absolutely right. It has to be done in a responsible and secure manner, if at all. For a small community like ours the verbal exchange at social functions could still be the best way forward.
Loneliness is a serious and unsafe problem – curiously in cities too. In Kodagu this malaise affects elders as much as it does younger folk. This is serious enough for the community to take remedial action and come up with practical solutions. Old Age Homes is not in our culture – but there is merit in considering the creation of gated communities near existing AinManes if there are enterprising families who will come forward.
Not only will the loneliness issue get addressed, but one could consider the management of the elderly folks properties by a Community Trust, with proper governance of the highest standards, so that the elders could possibly secure much needed income.
Presently, they even engage Maplahs to run their properties who have no interest in the well being of the plantation – perhaps their objective would be to take over the properties at an attractive rate. The community has to rise to the occasion and come up with viable solutions.
Once again – these are the kind of issues that the Akhila Kodava Samaja should be considering on a war footing.
I totally agree with what you suggested.
I read this recently and it is so true:
OLD AGE IS NOT AN EMERGENCY
Wrinkles and greying are not medical conditions.
If they were, every mirror would be a hospital.
The greatest illness of old age
is not sugar, pressure, or cholesterol.
It is loneliness.
Old Age homes does not go with Kodava culture. Senior citizens generally have properties and with the help of the children, where necessary, gated communities can be created similar to life in AinManes. Uthaiah’s suggestions are good.
Very important topic well presented by Ms Subbaiah. The problem has to be addressed at many levels:
– At one level, where the children/family can afford good education and have spent a good sum of money to study in larger cities and in some instances abroad, they may have financial compunctions of having to repay loans – so they get on to a different trajectory. This does not preclude them for maintaining strong connections with their roots and thereby the land to which they belong.
– There is a large cross-section, especially from Northern Kodagu where educational institutions are still below par, children are at a loose end. Many of the villages are bereft of young male adults as they are working as gunmen with low potential for savings. For the women, it is best they train for being nurses, teachers, housekeeping in better resorts and similar roles – where respectable jobs are relatively available. Relevant skills training can lead to self-employed food-processing and with mentors they can run or be employed in good Homestays and resorts. The catch phrase here is staying within the district with home being accessible.
To make this happen, community organizations like the Akhila Kodava Samaja/Kodava Samajas should work with their political representatives and the district administration and demand/obtain support.
The importance of women in the household is paramount. Without land, a seed cannot sprout into a sapling. It’s the land that provides nourishment for the roots. Similar analogy can be said about men too – but the fact remains that the land has to be looked after with great care for providing nourishment and prosperity to the family and as an extension, to the community as a whole.
When the BalyaMane was operational in the days gone by, it was the “matriarch” or Balyavva who really ran the show. Her primary role was to hold everything together. She set the work ethic, the discipline, food on the table, respect for all members of the clan and much more. The Pattedara leaned on her presence to keep the relevance of his stature or authority intact.
It is no different in the smaller nuclear homes – the lady of the house keeps it together and manages all the moving parts. If that critical “control” moves to the city, the equation changes. Of course, as Kaverappa wisely says, compromise is possible by having the best of both worlds. The balance can vary from family to family
A modified version of a poem to illustrate the dilemma of City vs Rural life:
The price we pay for the prize
To chase the dawn where pathways glide—
What joy it is to live outside.”
Each dreamed the other owned it all;
Each envied the other’s life beyond the wall.
Yet neither saw, through longing eyes,
The unseen price beneath the coveted prize.
For comfort asks that freedom bend,
And freedom walks where comforts end.
One sleeps secure behind a door;
One owns the sky—but little more.
The softest bed, the richest fare,
Can never buy the open air.
The freest path beneath the sky
Still dreams of some place- safe and dry.
The grass may seem greener beyond your side;
The price it asks, life chooses well to hide.
So life repeats its ancient art:
We weigh another’s happier part.
We count the gifts their fortunes bring,
Yet miss the cost of everything.
Every luxury asks its price;
The currency wears a different guise.
Some pay with comfort.
Some pay with peace.
And some…
Pay with freedom.
My understanding and execution – The wise partners quietly enjoyed a mix of both! Whatever be the situation, DO NOT PART WITH YOUR LAND – your inheritance, identity and heritage.
This is an extremely thoughtful article by Ms Mamatha Subbaiah. Each week is something to look forward to as regards her writing as she chooses her topics very carefully and very relevant for the Coorg readership.
As stated in the previous comments section – there is no one size fits all answer.
Our children are exposed to all kinds of opportunities and aspirations and theee has to be some peer level counselling that takes place…. For both boys and girls.
We have a head start vis-a-vis most communities – the status and stature of our women is more egalitarian in every which way when compared to most communities. Let us build on this advantage and making living in rural surroundings a preferred choice. It is possible to pursue one’s interest by visiting cities often – but don’t make the cardinal mistake of selling one’s inherited land – that would be sacrilegious and most irresponsible.
Congratulations CLN on publishing such a relevant and thought provoking article. I admire Mamatha’s way of choosing the topics. Each one is so special and courageously beings attention to an issue that often remains unspoken. As someone who has consciously chosen to live in rural kodagu despite having opportunities elsewhere, I found the deeply relatable. It is not just about marriage proposals it is about gradual decline of respect for farming, rural life and cultural heritage. Well done!
Urbanisation is a global phenomenon. When you are young and hot blooded the promises and opportunities of a city are alluring. It’s only in middle age, when you tire of the pressures and challenges of the city that the alternative, a relatively (perceived?) peaceful rural life seems attractive. But then it’s too late to make the move back and restart economic life, especially with a young and growing family. The solution may be in providing good schools and comparable facilities in rural areas to children so that the lure of the city is neutralised and children see the potential of a good, rewarding life where they are born.
Very interesting observation.
After the turmoil across the world, especially in the Middle East, people have realised that Kodagu is a safe haven & it won’t be long before the sons of the soil will head back home
Very interesting topic.
What many people dream of as HEAVEN and what is often portrayed in movies already exists in Coorg. We have been blessed with a lifestyle that is peaceful, close to nature, and comfortable in ways many only aspire to.
Those who believe urban life is the ultimate goal often fail to realise what they are are leaving behind. Moving away from Coorg can sometimes feel like leaving your own kingdom..with abundant open spaces, fresh air, a comfortable way of life, well-cultured and affectionate people, and a place where your identity is known and valued..to confine yourself within concrete walls.
Every place has its own advantages, but we must also recognise the priceless value of what we already have. Parents have a vital role in shaping their children’s mindset, helping them appreciate their roots, culture, nature, and the unique blessings of growing up in Coorg.
Very well written and one which is bound to provoke discussions. There is no “correct” answer – in every relationship building exercise there has to be compromise, understanding and a longer term view.
With the influence of anglicized education system, expectations and exposure leads to new norms. This applies to both genders. Just being a planter is now passé – we have to keep up with the changing circumstances and supplement plantation income with innovative news ways. Hospitality, in particular Homestays was an ideal avenue especially when interaction with guests can generate new ideas and values. This applies to all of the family.
In my experience, being a planter and both partners engaging in work is the best way forward – not to overlook the quality of life, air and less stress in a rural environment.
Our beloved Field Marshal Kodendera M Cariappa settled in Madikeri after retirement. He is the true motivator to our Kodava Community in this regard. He set an example by proving it till his last breath by settling down in his native land where he’s born and brought up.
My sincere salute to our Beloved General Field Marshal Kodendera M Cariappa The Great !
Jai Kodava Jai Bharath !
Beautifully written, Mamatha. This read should motivate the youth to pack their bags and head back to Coorg. There is a lot one can do in Coorg if there is will to do. The best part of your writing is ‘Kodava boys can make great husbands not necessarily exciting boy friends’ – this is a loaded line! I liked it!!
Best wishes!!