We teach our children to study hard, score high marks, come first, win competitions and stay ahead of others. We celebrate their achievements and take pride in their success. But in this rat race to make them winners, are we forgetting to teach them essential life skills on how to cope with failure and its consequences?
Life will not always be smooth. We may fail an examination, lose a job opportunity, face rejection or watch our dreams take longer than envisaged to come true. If children grow up believing that success is everything, how will they cope when life disappoints them?
A child may fail in exams. An athlete may lose an important race. A young graduate may attend several interviews and not get their desired job. The fact is that experience is all about learning from one’s mistakes.
Evolved educational professionals would explain that encouraging children to play team sports is an excellent platform for teaching networking skills, developing interpersonal relationships and camaraderie. The joy of success gets shared in the same manner as coping with a loss. Invariably the support that team members provide is an excellent demonstration of what happens in real life.
- Does failing an exam make a child a failure?
- Does losing a match make them a loser?
- Does an interview rejection mean their future career has reached a dead end?
This is precisely what our children need to learn, absorb and move on. After all, when we look around us, the world is teeming with people who are making a living for themselves without having excelled in academic pursuits – I would argue that life skills are as appropriate, if not more, in ensuring success in life.
Look at our planters. Every season, they invest their hardwork, money and hopes in their plantations. Yet there are good crops and bad crops. Unpredictable weather, pests and failing prices can turn a season of hardwork into disappointment. But a bad harvest does not necessarily mean the end. They learn, adapt and prepare for the next season. A good crop brings happiness, but a bad crop tests resilience. Therefore the age old saying – save for the rainy day! Or better still – what goes down will come up (the converse is true too).
Our children need to learn from their mistakes – which in effect is what “experience” is all about. Sometimes circumstances are beyond our control. What matters is whether we have the courage to rise , learn and begin again.
As parents, we often try to protect our children from every disappointment. But by removing every obstacle are we preparing them for the real world? Are we teaching them how cope with a temporary phase of failure? Children must learn that the rejection does not define their worth, a failed exam does not determine their future, and a mistake is not the end of their journey. The worst instances that we come across are when the results of competitive exams takes it’s toll on the children who do not make the cut-off grade. Parents must guard against this absolutely unhealthy practice of setting extreme expectations.
It’s not that high scores and certificates don’t matter; but equally important is resilience- the components of which are patience, humility, courage and emotional strength.
Let us praise effort, not just results.
Let us teach our children to accept criticism, learn from mistakes and respect others even when they lose.
Perhaps the true measure of parenting is not how often our children come first, but how well they cope when they do not. Don’t teach your child that losing is shameful. Teach them that the courage to play again is most often the greatest victory.
Don’t raise children who are happy only when they win.
Raise children who are not afraid loose.
Efforts never go waste. You might not always achieve Success, but you will always make Progress.
PS: We came across a most relevant story as a sequel – take the time to read this – it has exceptional lessons.
This is precisely what the children need to learn – more than being “pushed” to always win! (PDF)
The facts, views and opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Coffeeland News.
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What you’ve written is not an easy subject matter to communicate Ms Subbaiah – clarity of thought and ability to express comes after years of experience. It’s the same with commiting mistakes – no one likes to deliberately commit mistakes. At times it could be lack of guidance and lethargy. But not learning from mistakes is unpardonable.
From the comments of readers(which I always find engaging with your articles) I observed that there were good insights for children, planters and to some extent adults. Let me extend this to another level.
“Accountability” is perhaps often overlooked as a concept. This extends to the family, Okka, community, a “cause”, one’s vocation, institution that we work for and most importantly to oneself. I few days ago, I came across a very interesting video in which Shashi Tharoor was sharing his thoughts on accountability as a politician. He recounted that at the end of the first year as a MP, he presented an annual report of his activities, money spent and his own assessment of his performance vis-a-vis commitments. There was no response from the members of his constituency; it was the same after the second year and finally in the third year he deliberately did not even share what he had prepared – and not a soul noticed. His lament was that it was the lack of civic sense and citizen’s lack of demanding for accountability that allows those in power to get away with under performance.
Does this come as a surprise – most surely not. Do we know as residents of Kodagu as to what is the performance against the plans for the year by the District Authorities, MLAs and other public servants? If you do not ask – you will not get.
Sports is the best way to learn to cope with failure 🙂 good piece on thoughtful parenting
A very relevant and thought provoking message for all parents.
In our desire to see our children excel and succeed, we often focus so much on good marks, achievements and winning competitions that we sometimes overlook the importance of preparing them to face failure and disappointment.
What truly prepares children for life is not just the ability to succeed, but also the strength to accept setbacks, learn from mistakes and bounce back with confidence. We must encourage them to give their best, understand that failure is part of life and never allow one setback to define their future.
Ultimately, resilience, patience, humility and the courage to try again are far more valuable life lessons than any single achievement.
Our responsibility as parents is not merely to prepare our children to win in life, but to equip them with the strength to face defeat, the wisdom to learn from setbacks and the courage to rise again.
After all, success may bring recognition, but resilience builds character. And perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
I liked your summation – After all, success may bring recognition, but resilience builds character. And perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
Thank you for following CLN Online and my articles.
A powerful and timely message for both parents and youngsters. In s world obsessed with success, marks and achievements, we often forget to teach our children how to handle failure and rejection. Winning is wonderful, but learning to lose with dignity and rise with courage is an even greater life lesson. We must raise children who are strong enough to face life’s disappointments, not children who are afraid of failing.
Thank you for your overwhelming support – means a lot.
What a beautiful writing mamatha! You are always the best. I admire your thinking and choosing the topics each week with a dignified way. As a keen follower of your writings i strongly feel that our land needs people like you. You not only focus on the issues related to kodagu, but also the relevant topics which is the need of the hour.
This article has to be circulated widely as this is an eye opener to many parents and even teachers who pressurize some of the students always to come first. Bold and courageous article mamatha.
Delighted to see that we are on the same page as sometimes we can be misunderstood. Life is not about winning all the time – there are many instances when things don’t happen the way we think it will. With resilience and a strong commitment, ultimately, it is possible to realise our goals.
What a beautiful message to our youngsters as well as parents. This is a powerful article which says failure and rejection are part of life. Learn from them, don’t get defeated by them. Let us raise a generation that knows how to succeed, and has a courage to face failure and begin with.
Very important message. We often focus so much on helping our children succeed that we forget to teach them how to handle failure. Learning to accept setbacks, learn from mistakes and try again is just as important as achieving success. After all, life is not about never falling, but about having the courage to get back up.
A truly meaningful article. As a young person, I believe learning to accept failure is just as important as celebrating success. Every setback teaches us something valuable, and the courage to rise again is what truly matters.
I have seldom come across toppers from even the prestigious institutions in India abroad being really “successful”. There is merit in understanding and gaining real experience without the short cuts of being over promoted – eventually it leads to a big failure.
We have often seen that the best Doctors, Teachers, Architects are those who have actually taken time to build their careers with a sound understanding of their practice. Actually, when one gets to the top – a complete understanding of the nitty gritty is what helps in separating the grain from the chaff.
I agree with you – not everyone can be the CEO or Chief of the Army. And to the few that I have interacted with, they say it’s very “lonely” up there. So, what I see around me are people who have persevered and succeeded with small improvements that takes them to their end goal.
An eye opener of an article – it’s so true. How many of us have recovered from really troubled times and moved on – especially when there was no one around to lean on. Those are the best successes of life – not just doing well in exams and getting a good job on paper.
Your endorsement and support are a great support of encouragement for doing better. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention, and we have to constantly keep reinventing ourselves to overcome setbacks and realise our goals.
This is an incredibly good essay by Ms Mamatha Subbaiah. It looks so simple and easy truth be told, it requires very clear thinking and application of thought. This article is as much applicable to adults as it seemingly appears that it is relevant for children.
In Kodagu we take our landed inheritance for granted. We are always complaining that the costs have gone up tremendously and that commodity prices are not remunerative and so on. I read Kuttaiah’s comment in a previous article which is so relevant in Terms of resilience that is needed when the chips are down:
Unlike the Bunts of Tulunad, (who for the record lost their land when The Karnataka Land Reforms Act 1974 was promulgated – while we mostly escaped due to a fortunate interpretation of the Act) rolled up their sleeves and migrated to Mumbai, Bangalore, the Middle East in search of jobs and eventually owned the restaurants chains in these places. They reinvested their earnings and established iconic institutions of Higher Education, Healthcare, Hospitality Groups and MSMEs to prosper, without looking back in a matter of 50 years.
We have everything going for us – we have to learn to create value to our primary crops, undertake any enterprise that adds incremental revenue, run our Homestays well – and there is enough and more to lead a life that is far superior in every which way, as compared to selling one’s land and becoming a victim of city life.
Thank you for your insights and making the observations relevant to a broader audience within Kodagu. I am of the firm belief that our inherited land should not be sold. With hard work and innovation, the income can be augmented to enjoy a really good/realistic standard of living.
These days youngsters are looking for a better “quality of life” instead of just looking materialistic markers of success. It is a very encouraging trend that we need to nurture with our children and also demonstrate by our own example of leading our lives.
Teach your child a game at an early age where losing becomes part of the routine. They will gradually learn to accept defeat, handle disappointment, overcome failure and come back stronger.
More importantly, encourage them to learn an individual sport. Apart from building discipline, patience and mental strength, an individual game can become a lifelong asset. As they reach middle age, it gives them an activity they can continue for their own fitness, physical well-being and mental health.
Winning teaches confidence, losing teaches resilience, and sport teaches them how to take care of themselves throughout life.
Your message on lessons that Sports can teach the children (and adults alike) about team work and individual pursuit is so relevant and much appreciated. Given my Army background (and the fact that there are many families from the Armed Forces in Coorg), the emphasis on physical fitness and sports was part of our existence. A soldier’s life was always one of “togetherness” and team spirit. We won and “did not” win every time, but never failed to document and learn from our experiences. Part of the reason I like writing my thoughts and experiences.